“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Love it! 👍😂