Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”