#DesignFail
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.