impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide