Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
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*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
thinking about a very short hotdog
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
ibopfufen
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.