“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.