The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
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The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Livid.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.