I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.