FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day