My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
May have had one breakfast too many
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
War & Peace
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months