*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol