People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
what it’s like dating me:
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Going into Monday like
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.