Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
You Might Also Like
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
*looks at you in batman voice*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
when you don’t want to be too vague
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer