Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave