Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?