My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
me when I see my crush
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Breaking news:
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.