I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide