Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
inside you are two wolves
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.