Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
What the dentist sees
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Something Saturday.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*