Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection