This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
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Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.