Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
#oldknees
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*