*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Oh boy, $150,000!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?