“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
When libraries troll their patrons.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.