Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Lucky old June.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.