priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I didn’t come here to be called names
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”