Hitlers gonna hitl
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
BETRAYAL
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.