my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Fight
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.