I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]