damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.