Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all