DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.