why I oughta
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English