*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Krampus.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
LMAO
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit