I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo