no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip