KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I hate everything
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.