My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.