I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
O Wise One….
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.