For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.