me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
🍞🦆
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
August 8
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not