mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
*orders delivery*
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her