I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Meat Cute
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*