FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Gemma Correll
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.