if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
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incredible book dedication
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*