We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”