♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Wait a minute…
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.