I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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