I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
This makes total sense…
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?