Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.